Of Cuffs and Bears
by EEevee
Summary: One-shot. Sano see no evil, Saitoh hear no evil, Chou speak no evil. A perfect arrangement, or it would be if they weren’t in the middle of nowhere and lashed together. [they really should have a stupidity genre option].


Title: Of Cuffs and Bears  
  
Author: Eeevee  
  
Genre: Humor  
  
Rating: PG-13 (for language)  
  
Summary: Sano see no evil, Saitoh hear no evil, Chou speak no evil. A perfect arrangement, or it would be if they weren't in the middle of nowhere and lashed together.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't any of those poor guys. You'd think that Sano and Saitoh would be used to my meddling by now, but I suppose poor Chou is in for it. Anyway, disclaimer, right. I don't any of the three stars (or any other characters) in this fic. They belong to their creator and his affiliates. Damn.   
  
"This is just fucking great. Just how I wanted to spent my afternoon." Sano complained loudly wiping his brow. The chain linked around his wrist jingled and his hand was sharply dragged back down. "Hey you bastard, stop that."  
  
The said bastard glowered, for all the good that it did him. His spiky blond hair was looking comparable to a bush considering all the leaves and twigs stuck in it. His eye roved the bleak landscape. Tree, tree, tree, and look… another fucking tree! What an amazing concept. At the moment he envied the dumbass that he was stuck to. At least the scenery wasn't going to bother him any.  
  
"Would you two concentrate rather than play little footsie games." Oh yes, and the other member of their wonderful little group. Too bad he wasn't the mute one.   
  
"Shut up." Sano snarled and stumbled over an outstretched root almost downing the trio.  
  
The said third member didn't seem concerned. It almost seemed like he hadn't heard the young man's retort. His golden eyes were scanning the brushing hoping for some sign of civilization. A curl of smoke or anything that might lead to their escape from the exile they were in.  
  
What he really wanted was a cigarette. Or a crowbar, although for what purpose was debatable. Regretfully that took two hands and he was too tired to deal with a blind rooster. At least it wasn't his left hand that was fettered. His katana, an ever-present companion, sat patiently at his hip. If they didn't get free of the forest by nightfall they'd have far more to deal with than just each other.  
  
"I'm thirsty." Sano complained tugging on both his hands trying to rub at his eyes. It didn't work so well.  
  
Chou rolled his eyes in exasperation. This was quite possibly the worst thing that had ever happened him. Barring a certain person trying to hit on him or getting his ass kicked by the Battousai. Wait, the last one was just plain embarrassing.  
  
Chou scratched his head wondering what he had ever done in his life to deserving being stuck to his hardass boss and a dumbass birdbrain. So he wasn't the best person on Earth, but shit, he wasn't a mass murderer. Besides, the mass murderer was probably kneeling over a tub washing clothing. So how fair was that? Even wrinkled hands and harsh laundry soap looked appealing from this angle.  
  
"Damn Katsu. When I catch up with his skinny ass-." The rooster seemed to run out of steam at that and sunk back into a pensive state. Hey, pensive was quiet.  
  
"This way." Saitoh directed tugging on Sanosuke hard enough to send the young man stumbling around. And since Chou was lighter than the bull of a guy he went too. Smack. Another dozen leaves to add to his new style of hair.  
  
Sano was considering what he was going to do to his best friend when he got back. Everything seemed so damn loud. Heh, at least the stupid broomhead couldn't talk. Karma was a serious bitch. This must be divine justice for all the things he did as Zanza, fighter for hire.   
  
"So Chou, how's it going?" Sano grinned and continued in a voice that mimicked Chou, "'Ey, not too bad. I'm stuck with a jackass who uses meh as deadweight and yourself. Dida eva tell ya I was just jealous?"  
  
Sano paused before saying in a surprised voice, "Why no. So you'll admit that I'm better than your sorry punk ass?"  
  
That earned him a punch. Or it would have if Chou could actually do something with his scrawny arms. Love tap. The guy should stick to swords.  
  
Saitoh ignored the two morons beside him. Since he could see their mouths moving it was a safe assumption that they were saying something stupid. He didn't actually have to hear it to know it.  
  
He gave another yank cursing the metal that was cuffed around his wrist. If he weren't chained to a pair of morons then he would be out of this green maze already. At least the blast hadn't damaged his sense of balance too. A chilly breeze blew through threatening a cold night. He sighed almost inaudibly.  
  
"Stop that. You'll give me blisters." Sano complained. He was getting really tired of stumbling around blind. You'd never know how many stumps were out for your shins or holes for your ankles until you ran around unable to see them.  
  
Chou wanted to tell him to shut his yap. If he had to hear about the rooster's stupid problems one more- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Chou turned around and tried to sock the idiot. Instead the kid decided, at that moment, to take a trip. Straight down. And wouldn't you know it he took both Chou and Saitoh down with him. It didn't help that Chou accidentally whacked Saitoh's temple a good one with the intended punch either.  
  
Was there a gesture for oh shit?  
  
"Hey, get off!" Sano bellowed tossing the two bodies from him. Chou would have retorted that it wasn't like he wanted to be in that position! Instead he groggily pushed himself up and looked at Saitoh.  
  
Why the fuck wasn't Saitoh saying anything? It wasn't like Sano could see a damn thing anyhow, but shit he could hear at least. And right now what he wasn't hearing was Saitoh telling them that they were a pair of dumbasses.   
  
Experimentally he yanked on the left side of him and felt nothing but dead weight.  
  
"What the fuck? Chou, what happened to Saitoh. What did you do to him you bastard?" Sano heard his voice rising to an unacceptable pitch, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to be dependant on some idjit who didn't know left from right. This was wrong, so wrong! "You know what? I know shit-all about forests. Do bears live around here?"  
  
Chou sighed and rolled his eyes upward. He made a face and decided that a certain bomb-making artist was already six feet under. It was just a matter of when and where.  
  
And to think that it had started out a normal day! Well, normal didn't translate into fun. But he was in Saitoh's office. Being chewed out, as per usual, for something he hadn't done fucking perfect. Then the roosterhead interrupted saying something about how to dispose of explosives…  
  
"Hey, do we have to pick up cricket-face, or can we drag him? For eating all that plain soba he's sure no light weight. I bet his wife loads him down when she can get a hold of him. Does he ever leave his office?"  
  
Chou shook his head. Sure the boss had been working a bit overtime. Maybe he should go visit his wife and work out some fucking tension. Then maybe he wouldn't be so hard on Chou's ass.  
  
"I'm hungry. You want to find me some berries or some shit like that?"  
  
No, not really.   
  
"I take that as a no. But if I faint then you'll have to drag both of us through the forest or get eaten by the bears."  
  
Chou was fairly sure there were no bears.  
  
Sano gave out a snort of disgust. This was getting them nowhere. And damn it all if his stomach wasn't eating itself up. He was feeling dizzy, but he wasn't sure if that was because of his nutrient lack or some lingering effects of the explosion.  
  
When he had gone into the office asking about disposal he had meant to be discrete. He would never turn his buddy in. Ever.   
  
But maybe Katsu just didn't trust him to do it. He was the one who was supposed to have stopped making the damn things! Especially with all the western technology and secrets floating around. That was some potent shit there.  
  
Which is probably why they were in this mess. Damn Katsu and his bomb fetish.   
  
Chou considered the idiot's statement. He was almost an ox anyway and if he went down there was no fucking way Chou could drag him, let alone Saitoh anywhere. Sitting and waiting for the bears to come didn't sound fun.  
  
He could see that little pyromaniac shit writing the headline 'Three Unfortunate Bear Victims Maimed Outside Kyoto'.  
  
If only the man had just stuck to illegal distributing of newspapers. Instead he decided to go psycho on them and threw down his bomb. He must have handcuffed them together while they were unconscious. Not that it mattered. He was more interested in how the trio had woken up in the middle of nowhere.  
  
"Should we pick him up? I think he'll notice if we just drag him along. Fox lady said something about that's bad for someone with a concussion." Chou watched the roosterhead run his big fingers through his spiky hair. The halfwit did have a point of sorts. Saitoh would be very unhappy if he woke to a mouthful of animal poop.  
  
Sano bit his lip. They had to be getting close to somewhere. Another branch lashed his face. He didn't remember them all being at eye level before. Stupid trees.  
  
He wouldn't be blind if Katsu's fucking bomb hadn't gone off in his face. The resulting flash had blinded him. Even now all he could see was black. He hoped that this was temporary, but there was no way to tell without getting to a doctor. Preferably a certain foxy one if he got his way.  
  
Heh, at least Chou couldn't talk. The dumb bastard had practically screamed himself mute. And Saitoh appeared to be deaf, but that might just be selected hearing.  
  
He heard something large lumbering in the underbrush and the bear question flared up. It had to be a bear! What the fuck else was that fucking big?  
  
Chou seized up feeling Sano tense. He could hear the rustling just as well at the dumbo next to him. The bears were going to eat him! He hadn't lived long enough to do anything but fuck up his life! It wasn't fair.  
  
The two gathered their fallen handcuff-ee and fled.  
  
A very irate thirteen Master of the Hiten Mitsurugi Style came out of the brush.  
  
"I hate it when I have uninvited guests." He growled to himself. It didn't occur to him that he might have known them. He just hoped they made it out before nightfall. Those tanukis were vicious little animals.  
  
A/N: I am not insane -__- just very creative. Writer's block drives you to great things… It's all half-baked anyway because I have something else cooking in the oven. This came about because of Mystic River (awesome movie). I wondered what it would be like to have a mute character. Which somehow turned into three characters and the monkey see/hear/speak no evil. Which turned into three poor guys handcuffed together. I don't know what type of indigenous wildlife they have, but tanukis are nasty little beasts as far as I can tell (ugly mofos). And now I know why I could never home school. I'm supposed to be doing math right now... Anyway *sigh* this IS a one-shot, sorry. I really need to get my sorry butt moving on Bitter Sweet Retribution if I want to finish it by the end of the month -__- The chapters just seem to get longer and longer 


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